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Warning:This article contains Danish Humour! It has been mainly written by Danes since no one else gives a damn about that mysterious country that might just be a city in Pennsylvania. While not scientifically proven, Danish humour is rumored to be borderline lethal. Proceed at own risk.     

“Denmark? Isn´t that the capital of Bilka?”     

~ George W. Bush

“We own the land of bacon and underage drinking!”  

~ Filip

“That's no hot dog”     

~ happy Chinese

“We like waffles too”     

~ Anja

“Something is seriously fucked in the state of Denmark”     

~ Hamlet on Denmark

“Kiss me, I'm Danish!”     

~ Ole Henriksen

“Yay Denmark”     

 

 

Coat of Arms:

 

Motto: "Ikke Sverige, Danmark (Not Sweden, Denmark)"

Anthem: Kapitalismen (also: [En Tu Tu Tusindben]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlHU_pNbeV4)

Capital Copenhagen (Not America)

Largest city Smaller than America/Drunkenhagen

Official languages Russian, Danish, Socialistic, Ænglisj

Government Communist Monarchy

Tsar-Führer-Über-Emperor Mary Queen of DenmarkGTFO-OFDENMARKBROWNIES!!! Aka. Pia Kjærsgård

 BartenderHead of Bartendiring King Rugbread CXI

 Weapon of choice Glass bottle or white flag.

National Hero(es)   

 

    The guy who invented lego, Hagar the Horrible, Hans Christian Andersen, Niels Bohr, The Guy who invented the Danish, Kim Young Ill

Declaration
of Independence  1789 from troll overlords

Currency: Lego bricks

Religion Legoism

Population According to Empress of Denmark Pia Kjærsgaard/GTFO-OFDENMARKBROWNIES!! 3 white people and too many Terrorists. (probably 90 billion)

Major exports Dumb journalists. Viking invaders, Lego, Great Danes, Butter, Danish

    

 

Denmark Today.

Today Denmark is a member of The Fourth Reich, NATO and various other international open source associations. This has led to the previous Crime Minister Anders Fjogh Rasmussen (amongst Friends and their allies called Fudge Factor) to suffer from delusions of grandeur, and he has continued the viking style of waging war against the entire world with his beer buddy George Who-ever Busk. Fjogh is now the editor of the monthly NATO magazine published in Uganda and Falkland Islands.

 

Quick facts

• Denmark invented the nuke in 1920, we nuked the fuck out of canada to get Hans Ø, everyone knows this.
• For many years Denmark gathered armies and plotted to invade the United Kingdom. Which they actually succeeded in doing, although due to the size of their ridiculously small and badly trained army, a consequence of their equally diminutive population and general lazyness, nobody actually noticed. Both the famous city New York and the English town of York were named by the Danish Queen Lindsay Lohan the Straight II.
• Denmark has pwned the world 7 times, 2 times with Zerg Rush
• One of the secrets behind some of the Danes being so rich is that Danes never get old. It is common for an average Dane to die when they have reached the age of 30. Simply because of drinking too much beer and schnaps. In this way Danes work and pay huge taxes, and never get a return on the taxes they’d paid, except for free education and health care. Who needs that when you only become 30 anyways? Only most of the Danish politicians and hard-core vikings stay away from the deadly Danish beer and drink more healthy 80 vol% Stroh-rum instead.
• The main exports of Denmark are Great Danes, plastic bricks, salted herring, plastic Lego bricks, beer, meatballs, bacon, butter cookies, plastic bricks, windmills, ceramic car bumpers, beer, pastries, plastic bricks, Andersens, Christensens, Jensens, Thomsens, Sorensens, beer, dodgy footballers, plastic bricks, and expensive deadly alcohol and beer. They are also said to be the founding fathers of Danish Pastry, even though most Danes don't actually have a clue on what it is (and those who do blame it on Vienna).
• The Danish flag was made in Estonia and sold by Estonian spice merchants for the ridiculous overprice of 2 beers on the 15 June 1219. The buyer was King Valdemar, who wasn't very fond of Estonian beer anyhow.
• In Denmark it is recommended by the Ministry of Health (i.e. Lotte Havemand) to drink a minimum of 21+ pints of beer a week for men, and 14+ for the woman. (Note: They really mean you HAVE to drink, or you will go to jail or just die later than expected....)
• The founder of Denmark was actually Muh-hammad and his controversial Valhalla wife at the time Emilie Jakobsen. It was his wife who decided to name it Denmark, after she lost her favorite dog in a Greek puddle of mud.
• Danish women look, sound and act the same as Swedish women, though they are easier to pull. Danes deny the similarities between their women and the Swedish women though.
• Denmark is often considered the Canada of Europe. This is of course perfidious as Denmark is more like Alaska or Samoa.
• All Danes over-consume alcohol, frequently in the form of Grooobblequark as said in folks tongue. It's made of fermented milk, acorns, fatty bear meat pies and used tires of 1980's Opel's, the most popular variants being that of the Kadett, Ascona and Manta tires.
• The Danish Parliament is made of specialized Lego bricks, which is the outcome of 50 years of extra Lego tax. All Danes must pay 103.21% of their Lego pay, on top of the other taxes, (82,354% income tax and 45.4221% Fudge Factor Tax).
• All Danes work at the local Lego, beer or bacon factory 2.3 days a month. The bacon manufacturing is the 74th greatest export of Denmark, Lego being the 61th. with insulin and emigrants being at the top of the export income.
• The Danish great Stupi-nudist worshipers "Bamse og Kylling" have indoctrinated Danes since the beginning of Insomnian time walking around naked - without anyone noticing. They have also spawned a few minor offspring like "Anna and Hotte Lotte", the Blue "Dolph-insane" and "Kaj i Andrea", who now all are dead and stuffed with fur. They can be seen in the the DR museum "Gyngemosen" located in the royal Tivoli Park in Skovby amusement center.
• In april 2009 the crime minister of Denmark Fjogh Rasmussen finally got head-hunted to the magazine NATO, thus stepped down and giving hope for some change, but unfortunately his successor Løkke Fjogh Rasmussen II continued the rape of Denmark together with the communist-wanna-be Pia Kjærsgaard...
• The greatest hero in Denmark is "Jakob Stegelmann", whoever he is? The myth says that with an unending energy he was feeding the Danes with bullocks for years, and the Scandinavians too for that matter, i.e. long enough to be able to watch Danish TV showing the virtues of Fartman comics, role playing zombie games, obsolete computer games such as Maria Bros. and Gaywatch and some more life saving things succeeding the prayer period of "Bamse og Kylling".
• The Danish Queen and her prince Henrik, came to power in 1972, by consuming 5 virgin children - this is in fact a form of Danish sausages.
• Danes LOOOOOVE "GÖÖÖÖL pøl". "GÖÖÖÖL" or "Gøøøøl", is a extremely corrosive reddish substance that constitute the main food of the Danes. Under ultraviolet light it's actually a greenish-yellow and sticky substance, and if one happens to come in contact with it, it will transform the person into a fat and very black lump of monstrous gel known in Denmark as the "Pia Kjaersgaard" transformation....Ugly, that really is!!
• Denmarks is also known for having Amin Jensen as resident, who is a infamous but indeed funny looking Gøøøøl-eating Haribo gel bear.
• In ancient times of Denmark, Lego bricks were used as a food source, building material, and quest tokens by the Vulgarian Monash Barons - a bit like the Fraggles.
• It is said that certain danish shemales can reach their own toes. This is yet to be proven, however, as the latest footage turned out to be heavily altered. Trousers in Denmark typically measure size 1237 upwards due to the ugly "Pia Kjaersgaard" transformation.
• During the second world war, the danish people was nearly eradicated due to "The great beer and schnaps nutrients poverty period", where the imperialistic Nazis did the unthinkable thing of closing all breweries, thus removing the major nutrient substance (beer) from the danish tables. This of course pissed the Danes off severely, thus they almost killed a whole German called Fritz Schmidt because of it!!
• The head monster inzombia sheep known as Pia K. is currently also leading the Danish Fraggles party (called "The bla-bla Fraction"), which main policy is for everyone to be able to shout racial slurs against anyone else - except themselves of course. When asked if they thought their policy was racial, they generally reply, "We are not Fascistic, we are just afraid of the dark and of "Bamse og Kylling" (which obviously is true - who wouldn't?!!).
• Oh, and Danes like to run naked down the street while reading a magazine called "Gamereactor" why? Well no one really knows...

Fauna

The hardiness of the Danish people is by no doubt due to the large amount of vicious wild animals constantly being preyed on by such vicious people intent on invading England or south-west Narnia. Although most of the country is a frozen wasteland, Denmark's most hated enemy, Engle-land, managed to introduce a foreign species to the country, the speckled blight weasel, which managed to decimate the country's economy by simply running around in circles thus confusing the Danes into thinking there was something wrong with the weather and they all stayed home in fear of an impending storm. This, in turn, laid ground for the Danish national sport, knitting combined with "Gööl pööl".

Another very commonly seen animal in Denmark is the Polar watch bear (called Wizzies). But be aware: tourists are prohibited from feeding these animals, as they often get in the way of them, thus causing bad foraging and a lousy temper because of vomiting. The Izzies motto is:

"Get the hell out of my way, I'm foraging."

- Obviously, it is wise to not follow this badly advised move. So Danes normally just feed the watch bears and go back to Middelfart badlands.

The Devil sheep used to live in the Frodo mountains of Denmark. Until it was wiped out by the Beowulf in the star-year of log 215.352c after the 2. Muslimian war, on a command of the Big Kingfisher of Denmark, Uffe Elle-Bälle-mand, who used to be a former wanna-be editor of the NATO warlord magazine.

Denmark is also full of pink elephants and female rhinos (called Nörrebro Stonehenges), however it's normally drunken Swedish or Norwegian tourists that come in contact with these animals.

The national animal of Denmark is the killer-snail - by the way....and the favorite plant is the red-eared basilica-lemon hashish plant.

Denmark in Literature

Denmark is featured most prominently in two major works of English literature, although not so prominently in any works of Danish literature (more on this later*). The first of these is Beowulf, an epic poem written several hundred years after the fact by some guy in England with way too much time on his hands. The story begins when Hrothgar, the king of the Danes and the guy whose name should have given everyone a clue as to the phlegmy direction their language was headed in (even the danes are unable to pronounce it, and generally calls him Roar), builds a really big mead hall (Freud would have something to say about that). Hrothgar and his homies throw drunken, loud parties every night, proving that even back in the good ol' days there was still nothing to do in Denmark but drink. Said parties really tick off Grendel, a somewhat emo monster and possibly one of the most misunderstood characters in English literature. Grendel terrorizes the hall and kills a lot of people and they all submit to it for about 13 years until Beowulf comes to their rescue and kills Grendel and then Grendel's mother, who, contrary to popular belief, was a nasty old broad of a monster who looked nothing like Angelina Jolie and who Beowulf probably would not have slept with. The Danes will never quite live down the fact that they had to be rescued from Grendel's terror by a Swede, and this is most likely the cause of the feud that continues between the two countries to this day. It is likely that the sing-song accent of Swedish developed from hundreds of years of mocking the Danes.

The second piece of literature is Hamlet, the well-known Shakespearean tragedy. Originally Prince Amled of Jutland - a danish peninsula, said to hold the last bit of authentic, achaeic stoneage, as it is only inhabited by primitive farmers - his tale was soon discovered by Shakespeare, who liked the overall emo-traits. Unfortunately, being the heir to a big, muddy field wasn't badass enough for Shakespeare, and he changed it to the king of Denmark, thus making it a big muddy field, and several shabby islands with some beer breweries. While he was at it, Shakespeare renamed him Hamlet, hinting that Hamlet/Amled originally might have been french. Hamlet thinks he sees his dad's ghost telling him about his uncle being a murderer. Although your English teachers will undoubtedly try to tell you that all of Hamlet's problems arose because he listened to the ghost and slowly drove himself mad, do not be fooled. Hamlet simply had a terrible case of depression from the awful weather and it drove his mind to create its own reality, one filled with murderous uncles, incest, betrayal, pornographic traveling players (the theatrical kind, not the guys with money who pick up young blond chicks in bars), and incidents with his mother that reach positively Oedipal proportions. Since Hamlet the Danes have become better at dealing with their weather related depression, resorting back to Beowulf-esque amounts of alcohol and brainwashing each other into believing that they live in the happiest country on earth.

     

• Language 

  “Danish is not a language - it's a throat disease.”     

  ~ Queen Margareth of Denmark

  Most linguists have come to believe that the Danish language, sounding approximately as a seal with pneumonia holding a potato in its mouth, is indeed most closely related to Sealese, though some dispute this and think a relation to Penguinese to be more likely. However, the sealists have gained an upper hand recently, with the argument that there have been longstanding contact between native Danes and Seals. Indeed, after the great Seal invasion in prehistoric times, they often inhabit the same territory, with Danes having numerous habitations on Greenland since the landing of Erik den Røde (Erik the Red, not to be confused with Svend the Green), and the invading seals having a large remaining colony in the marshes of south-west Denmark, the so-called "Tønder Marsk" (which is also the home of the last 0.3 people).     

  On the other hand, the Penguinists argue that the vocabulary and phonemes of Danish much resemble Penguinese, and that the Penguins obviously have a much superiour culture and language, much more likely to be copied from. However likely, many argue against it because the contact between these two groups have arguably been non-existent in the relevant time period, the Penguins residing only in the southern hemisphere in present times.     

  On the other other hand, phrenologists who study the Danish language have come to the conclusion that it is not so much a language as a throat disease, probably caused by a mutatated form of the same virus that causes Yiddish, which itself is a mutated form of the Arabic/Hebrew virus. The cause of the Danish mutation is thought to be due to a rampant allele which became manifest due to excessive contact with fatty cheese and old beer.     

  A fringe group of linguists - of an obviously tarnished and sinister character - contend that Danish is instead closely related to Engrish and Greman but, such ridiculous and pseudo-scientific claims can be given little merit.     

  The latest research puts forward the theory that the Danish language was created by drunk Norwegian Vikings, that having been drunk, got lost and ended up in Denmark. This theory comes from the fact that Danes can understand drunk Norwegians, but not sober ones (nor drunk Swedish people). Controversially, linguist David Crystal has also argued that Danish is in fact a long-running Situationist joke and not really a language at all, more a sort of attenuated collection of grunts and base howls. However, as the Danes are fond of saying, "at least it is not Finnish".     

  It should be noted the Swedish theory on Danish language, that is sounds like throwing up, is not even admitted by the Danes. The Swedes think this is an obvious case of alcoholics denial of truth. But who cares? Lets go down to the pub and have some beer.     

• Culture

• The Danish people have practiced the fine art of baby eating for centuries. In fact, Denmark's most brutal inhabitant the Rasmuscles from Bruxelles practise this every morning at 5.00. This began around the year 1140 b.c., when the all and powerful Oprah first visited the Danish mud lands and taught the danes a proper baby eating technique. Baby eating is quite common at social gatherings where dishes like baby salad, baby casserole, and rødgrød med fløde-baby can be found.  Danish people are all members of the big religion Legoism, where the most fanatic believers only do things by the holy Lego book. If you shave a dane completely you will notice that his skull has the form of a Lego-mans head and he can therefore "click" object on to his head and carry them around effortlessly. Talk and walk Lego, wear Lego, go to Lego school and Lego academy, work with Lego Tools, Eat Lego food, do Lego, and love/make love the Lego way. The supreme leader of the Legoists is His Popeness, Popeye "Klods Hans"(In english: "Lego Las"). You can always recognize a real Lego Beliver on the Lego hair. When someone or something marry in Denmark, the customary ceremonials includes gifts of imprecious wooden Legobricks and shark-ivory Lego Sombreros to the Groom. There are a few Playmobil Belivers in Denmark too though. As the Playmobil belief is very, very forbidden, they are severely hunted by the axe-killing murderers of the Lego Viking police and thus hide underground in the Magasin du Nord sours. Whenever a Playmobil beliver is taken alive by the the Legoists, he, she or it will be put into Cultural Lego Integration camp (called GuLegos). The plan was originally then to release the Former playmobil believers out into society after a few months, but many playmobil believers still sits in Lego Integration camp today, after 25 years.     

  Some Danes believe in Santa Klaus Rifbjerg. He is said to come hurling down from Greenland in an old school bus from the 1950s at Legoday plotting to put his writings down the chimneys of all the children who have been naughty this year. However, most of today's Danish children don't have chimneys. Oddly though these incredible naughty children always get the latest copy of Santa Klaus Rifbjerg's work and are then forced to read it in school as some sort of severe punishment. The older people of Denmark still believe in Santa Klaus Rifbjerg and each year they write tedious reviews to the newspapers about the importance of his latest book. It has indeed been argued that it's not just superstition but a real Santa Klaus Rifbjerg cult, which ought to be looked at in the same way as anthropologists misunderstand people from New Guinea or baby-seals from Greenland. The Catholic monk Lars fun Trier, who was raised by Jewish Communist nudists, has devoted his entire life to fight this cult with dogmatic propaganda films. All of his propaganda films end with the word "SLUT". This is obviously an insult, however, it's a bit unclear whether this is meant as an insult of Santa Klaus Rifbjerg or the audience.     

  The rich and manifold cultural life of Denmark has been influenced in large part by the more civilized and advanced culture of the white race, with which they have been in contact with for several centuries. The Danes have incorporated that great white mice tradition of running in little treadmills for a bloody good while and spending their spare time eating, mating and drinking.     

  As of yet it seems that the Danes have not discovered that this is in fact an ingenious cover, intended to make the white mice seem innocuous and non-threatening while they monitor their newest large-scale experiment, Luxembourg.     

  It appears that the Danes whilst producing such talents as Hans Christian Andersen and Søren Kierkegaard, both very good Doctor Whos, are not quite smart enough to realise the real white mice. However, some argue that Danes are also just pretending not to know while laying their sinister plots, the argument against being, however, that they can't be that good at acting, or the Bodgy Broadcasting Corporation and the parliament would have recruited the entire population en masse already.     

  Ancient Danish culture centres around the great Kronborg castle in Elsinore. The castle was original build by Og the Magnificient in 1214 over the objections of Queen Oggette. Construction was finished in record time and the queen was eventually drown in the moat since, as one Danish ka-niggit put it, "the lady doth protest too much!" (in Danish: Øv, hvor lagde jeg dog mine vafler!". Her ghost is said to be living under the castle and having affairs with various ancient Danish heroes.     

  Eventually, the castle was turned into a theater by Og's son, Bard the Borg, who was quoted as saying "the play's the thing". Unfortunately, for Danish theatergoers everywhere, Bard gave away the ending by telling the public that Hamlet (and everyone else) dies in the last act. The entire story was later plagiarized by William Shakespeare and used by George Lucas as a model for future Star Wars prequels.     

  The most revered of all Danish writers are Lis Wiehl, author of the historical romance Ganar siempre ('"Leave My Toes Alone"), and Axel Sandemose who in many books described the beautiful minds of the inhabitants in his hometown, Nykobing. This mind has most hittingly been described in The Jante Law from the novel A refugee crosses his track and its sequel A refugee gets double-crossed.